


ISIS

by Theraccoon



Category: Archer (Cartoon)
Genre: Drabble, Funny, Humor, Isis - Freeform, Other, idk - Freeform, it acher
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2016-02-07
Packaged: 2018-05-18 22:05:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5944837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Theraccoon/pseuds/Theraccoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Lana and I are being held hostage by ISIS. And no, it's not our ISIS. It's the other ISIS. The one that probably stands for... um... Irritating Shitheads In.... Syria... or something."</p>
            </blockquote>





	ISIS

"Listen guys," Archer said to his captors. "I think we can both agree that this was a pretty understandable mix-up. When I heard there was an ISIS safe house nearby, I thought-"

One of the terrorists jammed the barrel of his AK-47 in Archer's face, held out a phone, and gave instructions in Arabic.

"Uh.... sorry," Archer said. "I don't-"

"Speak Arabic," Lana interrupted. "Because you completely blew off the 8 week Arabic course that all ISIS members are required to take."

"I don't think they need to take an Arabic course, Lana. They already speak it."

"Not this ISIS, dumbass. Our ISIS! The spy agency! Not the terrorists, to who you've delivered us."

"One," Archer said, holding up a finger. "ISIS safehouse can mean a lot of different things. Two," he said holding up another finger, "I'm having a hard enough time thinking straight because it's impossible to find a drink in this part of the world. And three, whom."

"What?"

"Whom. The terrorists to whom I've delivered us. You said it wrong."

"Archer, I-"

The ISIS member interrupted Lana by shouting and waving the phone.

"He wants you to call ISIS."

"But we're already-"

"Our ISIS! We're being ransomed."

"God, Mother is not going to like this." Archer dialed, but nobody answered. A moment later, the phone rang on its own.

"What am I paying you for if you can't even answer a phone?!" Mallorie screamed on the other end as Archer answered.

In the background, they could hear Cheryl yelling back, "I thought I had put it on speaker!"

"Oh, thank God," Archer said. "Lana and I are being held hostage by ISIS. And no, it's not our ISIS. It's the other ISIS. The one that probably stands for... um... Irritating Shitheads In.... Syria... or something."

"Good one," Lana said, rolling her eyes.

"Shut up. Anyway, we're probably going to need a couple million dollars. Or so."

There was a moment of silence on the other end of the phone. Finally, Mallorie said, "Sterling, if this is another one of your voicemail pranks..."

"For God sake, Mother. It isn't. Jesus, you leave eighteen different elaborate voicemail pranks and it's like people don't trust you anymore."

"Is that Archer?" Cheryl's voice came through the phone.

"Hang up the phone!" Mallorie said.

"Is he asking for a couple million dollars after he did two hundred thousand dollars worth of damage to my mansion?"

"One," Archer said, "that was mostly Babu. Two, how many times do I have to apologize for that."

"Once would be nice!" Cheryl said.

"Where are you?" Mallorie asked.

"Outside your office," Cheryl said.

"Not you! Where are Archer and Lana?"

"With ISIS," Archer said.

"No, we're the ones at ISIS headquarters," Cheryl said.

"For God sake, get off the line!" Mallorie shouted. Cheryl sighed and hung up.

"Mallorie," Lana said. "We were on the Malian-Nigerian border when we got captured. Because your dumbass son doesn't exercise caution when he's in a part of the world where Islamic fundamentalism is on the rise."

"Niger, please." Sterling said.

"What?!" Lana demanded.

"No, I said, Niger as in the country. And please as in, 'oh please, there's no way this place is full of Islamic fundamentalists.'"

The terrorist stepped forward, jabbing Archer with his weapon again.

"Look!" Archer yelled. "I've gone too damn long without a drink. So if you don't relax, I'm about to make a sequel to Terms of Enrampagement! That's right! Terms of Enrampagement 2! Electric Rampagealoo! That's all going to you!"

"To who? Me or him?" Lana asked, pointing at the terrorist.

"For the last goddamn time, Lana! It's whom!"

As he shouted "whom," Archer stole the AK 47 from the terrorist and mowed down the captors. With the terrorists dead on the ground, Archer took a few deep breaths as smoke creeped out of his gun barrel.

"Whom is still alive?" Cheryl asked through the phone.


End file.
